This past week had been really tough for me.
As some of you may know I had a miscarriage in October at 8 weeks. We got pregnant again in January, I heard the heartbeat and then a week later we were told the heart stopped. Last Friday I had a D&C so that we could get testing done to understand why I am now having recurrent miscarriages. We are already being hit by insane medical bills despite paying an obscene amount of money every month for private health insurance. I’m stressed out, angry and sad.
My mood has been absolute shit which I attribute to the grieving process, not to mention my fluctuating hormones from a this recovery process.
When I get into moods like this I start to question everything including my purpose on social media. I will admit there are plenty of times I have thought about deleting all my accounts and swearing off social media or any kind of public work going forward. I am a self proclaimed empath and I feel things very deeply. I literally cannot help it and having to practice such rigid boundaries everyday makes me question if it is worth it. I could absolutely go get a job working for someone else, ditching self employment and sitting comfortably knowing someone else is paying my family’s medical insurance among other things. There’s risk and reward to everything and I find I am constantly trying to figure out where I land. For now, I feel like the struggle is worth it. I do feel like there is a shift in me that is evolving and moving closer to the surface. I’m not sure what it is but I do know that I will always do my best to be authentic, transparent and as relatable as I can be for most of you (I can’t say all because let’s face it, we can’t please everyone.) I also need to work at giving myself some grace and acknowledging what I bring to the table. When I get into moods like the one I am in I tend to start questioning if I am really making a difference and reaching people.
At this point I feel like I’m just rambling so I think I’m going to end this here. Thanks for listening, keep your head up (me included) and keep doing things that feel right to you ❤️ Love, Deanna
View in Instagram ⇒