Surviving & Thriving post Suicidal Ideation
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Mental illness is brutal. It warps and tortures your mind and gets you to believe things about yourself and the world that aren’t true. It debases who you thought you were and slaughters your relationships. It leaves you with nothing but the most miserable parts of yourself until you’re worn down and want only to die.
You can’t snap out of it. Almost everything you try to make yourself feel better doesn’t work. You have plenty to be grateful for, and that only makes you feel worse. Just acting and seeming normal takes exhausting exertion, and as much as you know it’s ridiculous to flip out over the tiniest inconveniences or feel crushed by the most minute and trivial things, you still are and you’re still fucked. You lose control to a part of yourself that you wish didn’t exist, and that eats and digests your mind and heart until all that’s left is the pain itself. You hate who you are, the confidence you used to have now seems a shallow memory, and you don’t see a way for things to get better.
I survived with this mentality for two years. My friends and family thought I was just bitter and overly sensitive. But everyday, I thought about killing myself. Everyday, I wanted to die. I was absolutely miserable and regretted waking up every morning and I told no one. But there was also this very tiny part of me that hoped that one day, maybe one fucking day, things would get better somehow. And they have.
It took help. It took work. The help you don’t want to look for. The work you don’t want to do. The work that seems impossible. The work you’re too tired to try. But I promise you, try and it may save your life. And I don’t mean that you’ll just survive the mental torture day to day – I mean you may live again and do with your days what you wish.
For me, it started with opening up to the right person. Sometimes those closest to you just won’t understand. They’ll say and do and suggest things that alienate you and make you feel worse. That’s the worst fucking part. But professional help, that can make a difference.
Call 1.800.273.8255 if you’re thinking about suicide. Call 211 for mental health resources. Find a good therapist who understands. It starts with admitting to yourself that help is needed. It doesn’t make you weak. It doesn’t make you any less tough. It makes you a person who is self-aware and wants things to change. Confronting pain is tough and tiring, but worth it. And there are many of us who’ve been through it and want the change for you, too.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255
Written by Anonymous Volunteer with the Suicide Crisis Line
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